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The “Disconnect to Reconnect” Father’s Day Challenge

June 9, 2011 at 10:54 pm , by 

Six months.

baby and TV remote

As much as I fantasize about being a full time writer, the truth is, I work from 8 AM to 4:30 PM every weekday at “my real job” in a sales office. Writing for Parents.com isn’t all I do for a living, in other words; it’s my part time job.  So it’s only natural for intuitive readers to wonder the question, “How do you have time to write six new posts each week for The Dadabase without neglecting your wife and son?”

It’s easy: I sleep less than most people (usually not more than six hours a night). And I only write when my wife and son are asleep.  From roughly 10 PM to 11:30 PM, then again from 6:00 AM to 7:10 AM everyday, I am always writing.

The Dadabase

That means that when I am at home with Jack and Jill, I literally am at home with Jack and Jill.  My policy is that I don’t turn my laptop on while they are awake. That way, I’m not distracted by the blogosphere where I am an active citizen.  As for me and my house, that’s the only way it could work.

I disconnect (from electronic social media distractions) to reconnect with my family while they are awake.

So when I received a challenge from author and media consultant Phil Cooke, asking dads everywhere to disconnect from technology – phones, Facebook, Twitter, email, TV – and spend quality time with their kids for 24 hours this Father’s Day, I knew I could handle it.

My wife and I worship the concept of quality time and giving each other our undivided attention, to the best of our abilities.  We are constantly aware of our need as a married couple with a child to make the most of the little bit of time we have together each day, balancing both family time and time alone as a couple.

So when we do watch TV together, the rule is that it has to be something we both want to watch, like American Idol or The Office.  Or a TV series through Netflix, like Mad Men; which is our current show.  And for the times our son is asleep and we both have a lot of stuff to get caught up on in the Internet world, we do what we have to do but label that time as “personal time.” We fully recognize that time as necessary for us as individuals, but we know full well it is not quality time together; even if we’re sitting next to each other.

This challenge is inspired by Phil Cooke’s new book Jolt! Get the Jump on a World That’s Constantly Changing (April 2011, Thomas Nelson), which lays out 25 “jolts” to help us set the “reset” button on our priorities and boundaries.  I am interested to see how his book fills in all the blanks and connects the dots regarding the importance of “unplugging” in the name of quality time with family.

So here’s the deal for my male readers.  (Do I actually have any?  As long as I’ve been a daddy blogger, I’ve just always assumed at least 97% of my readers are female.) For the first three men who agree to take the challenge with me to unplug for 24 hours on Father’s Day, I will arrange for a free copy of the book mailed to your house.  Just let me know your name and mailing address by leaving a comment on this post. And as long as you are one of the first three to agree to take the challenge, you get a free book.

I will leave my phone and computer alone on Father’s Day! Will you?

The Dadabase
*Thanks and congrats to the first 3 dads who jumped on board and will now be receiving the free book: Mike Mitchell, Marc Theriault, and Mario Sollecchio!
 
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The Intertwining Role of Father and Husband

June 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm , by 

Six months.

baby crib

I had a sneaking suspicion that a realization was setting in: that at least in my mind, I can’t be a good father without being just as good of a husband as well. The more I processed it, the more I believed it: The role of father and husband are completely intertwined and inseparable.  However, I didn’t just want to take my own word for it.  It’s times like these when I ask the world of Facebook and Twitter.

Something I have learned/taught myself from blogging since August 2005 is the importance of being my own devil’s advocate; addressing any potential arguments by simply answering them before a reader ever has the opportunity to bring them up. Therefore, I knew not to ask the question: “Can a man be a good father without being a good husband?”. Because I personally know men who are wonderful fathers despite being divorced, separated or widowed.

So I cleverly asked my social networking friends, “Can a married man be a good father without being a good husband?”. I received convincing answers from both sides, but ultimately I realized the way I asked the question wasn’t clever enough. Because some of the people who answered “yes” made the point that many moms and dads are stuck in unhappy marriages, mainly staying together for the kids. And while that is sad to hear, I know it’s true.

The DadabaseIn the journey of confirming my perception of the intertwining roles of a father and husband, I learned a better question to ask: “Can a happily married man be a good father without being a good husband?” My own personal answer to that question is “no.”  And if a man could actually be happily married while being a good father and a sub-par husband, most likely he would be taking advantage of his wife somehow, like by not doing his fare share of the household duties.  The man would be living in an ignorant bliss while his wife would be living in a world of “unappreciation.”  So while the man would be happily married, the woman would not.

After all my failed attempts at trying to ask a particular question, the best version is actually, “Can a happily married man in a mutually happy marriage be a good father without being a good husband?”.

Of course I get it that a man can be a better father than he is a husband, but I believe a good father would also be highly concerned with improving his husbandly skills.  I just can’t separate a good father from a good husband, in my mind, at least.

Most importantly I realized that the question isn’t one that can be answered by anyone else anyway. It can only be answered by me, a happily married man who is part of a marriage in which neither party will settle for mediocre.  My wife and I decided from the very beginning that we would end up being one of those old couples who still held hands; who still deliberately go on dates no matter what distractions in life come along.

daddy

Last weekend my wife and I were at Earth Fare, an organic grocery store, having a coffee date.  The woman making our coffees randomly asked us how long we had been married.  Up until that point, she didn’t know anything about us other than what she had observed by watching us wait for our coffee and learning our appreciation for the delicious cookie samples we partook of at the counter.  “This July will be three years,” we answered.

“You act just like newlyweds!” she replied.

For me, a man who is obsessed with being a good father and a good husband in a mutually happymarriage, that’s one of the best compliments I can receive.

baby in crib

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Planking: My Infant Son Joins the Internet Fad

June 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm , by 

Six months.

baby planking fad

As Jack is building his arm strength as he learns to crawl, I’m seeing him do this peculiar new move with his body.  When he begins wearing himself out from crawling around on the rug and shows signs of needing a nap, he “buries” his head down into the ground and lays as flat as he can.  It’s Jack’s pre-sleep position.

baby TV remote control

Coincidentally, this is happening along side a world wide Internet fad called “planking.”  I just learned about it two weeks ago from Weekend Update with Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live.  Planking is a most extraordinary way to do something completely ordinary.  All it involves is laying down completely flat and still, while face-down.  But the most important part is that the “planker” is photographed so that their “planking proof” is evident to the Internet world; via Facebook, Twitter, and blogs.

If you need a proper visual of the official thing, just go to Google Images and type in “planking fad.”  I do realize that Jack isn’t planking perfectly, because of the fact he can’t/won’t really lay his arms next to his side.  But I’m okay with that, because after all, he is just a baby.

So along with Jack’s crawling comes Jack’s exploring.  His biggest motivators are laptops and TV remote controllers.  He just goes cuckoo for them.

Again, this is completely in line with planking, as Jack is not content to see the same scenery day after day.  Just as planking requires the person to show up in new places, so does parenting Jack.  Even when he was much younger, my wife and I would take him hiking.  We’ve recently gotten into this tradition of rocking Jack on our two-seater rocking chair after dinner on the front porch.

As much as Jack can appreciate being over-stimulated with all the crazy antics my family introduces him to, he also loves to just chill out- but only outside.  The wind has to be softly blowing on his face and he has to feel some of the heat of the sun.  In that situation, Jack doesn’t make a peep.  He just chills out.

baby planking fad

And again, isn’t that a major part of planking?  I’m seeing unavoidable parallels between Jack’s recent developments and the fad of planking.

If it were up to Jack, I wonder where all in the world (and space and time) he would plank…

1969 Moon Landing Planking!

baby planking moon landing 1969

Conan’s Desk Planking!

baby planking Conan O'Brien's desk

Old School Nintendo Planking!

(On an actual plank! Double score!)

baby planking fad Super Mario Nintendo

Special effects appear courtesy of Walter “Wally” Wellborn.

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Jack’s Baby Dedication: Faith and Parenting

June 4, 2011 at 1:54 pm , by 

Six months.

A few weeks ago on Mother’s Day, my wife and I had Jack “dedicated” at our church.  If you are not familiar with this Protestant practice, a “baby dedication” is a public ceremony where the parents of a new baby promise, in front of the pastor and the congregation, to grow up their child in the faith.  As Jack’s parents, it is our responsibility to lead and guide him in our own moral and spiritual beliefs.

My son will not be left on his own to figure out who God is and why we believe that God’s love is the reason for our existence. Sure, Jack will have to make up his own mind when he gets old enough, but my faith is so crucial to every fiber of my being, that as a father I believe that one of the most important tasks I will ever have is to teach my son about the next life, as well as, teaching him to love others as himself in this life.

While I do value the public act of dedicating my son to the building up and growing of the heavenly kingdom we believe comes after this earthly life, the private version happened before he was even born.  As Jack was still in the womb, I prayed for him. And now that he’s here, I continue to pray for him. After all, I believe that I haven’t simply brought another life into this world, but that I am also responsible for bringing another soul into existence– a soul I am unmistakably accountable for teaching what I believe is the meaning of life.

Whether you have been following my daddy blog since the beginning (April 13th, 2010) or whether you just recently started tuning in thanks to Parents.com picking up my series, something noticeably undeniable yet decently subtle in my writing content is the intertwining of my family’s everyday life events and our Christian faith. According to Wikipedia, nearly 80% of Americans identify themselves with Christianity (from Catholic to Protestant, and everything in between).  So I would assume that nearly 80% of readers will identify with me when I write about my faith.  For the other 20%, who have a different religion or maybe not one at all, please know that I welcome you just as much to The Dadabase.

Because no matter which faith we call our own, something we all have in common is that we are parents.  We have children who we are trying to raise the best we can.  And just like the faith of our choosing, so parenting is also a journey.  By no means do I have my faith 100% figured out- I’m being humbled and broken down more everyday, and therefore maturing as a believer.

Just like, as a parent, I’m learning as I go.

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The Amazingly Obnoxious Sound of the Baby Buzzer!

June 2, 2011 at 10:03 pm , by 

Six months.

The Dadabase

Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?  No, it’s not that weird mutant sheep sound that Jim Carey makes in the classic comedy, Dumb and Dumber. Instead, the noise that rattles my cage and ruffles my feathers every time is the cry of my son.

Yes, he is an easy going little guy.  But he is human.  So when he cries for lack of sleep or food, everyone in the room becomes aware of it.

It’s a high frequency, shrill, scratchy, siren that makes me turn my head a little sideways whenever I hear it.  There is no way to ignore him when he cries.

His cry is motivating; that’s for sure.  It instantly motivates me to rush to fix whatever the problem is; mainly so the noise will stop wrecking my inner ears. But also because he’s a little baby who can’t communicate the way we adults can. All he can do is cry, at this point in his development.

So I have to respect that process, despite the fact that his crying is downright offensive to listen to.  He doesn’t ask nicely.  He doesn’t give me a minute to finish up whatever I’m in the middle of.  Hearing that cry is the worst sound to be interrupted by.

The Dadabase

But God knew what He was doing when He designed babies to cry like they do. Imagine a world where you could actually ignore a baby when they need something.  I can’t.  A baby’s cry is part of the necessary breaking-down phase of parenthood.

My son’s cry is the height of what I call “the baby buzzer.”  If his cry is a “10″ (on a scale of 1 to 10), then down at “1″ is his gentle correcting sound he makes when I am rocking him to sleep, but not holding his head at the right angle.

I hear, “mrrrraghttk…” It’s like his way of saying, “Nice try, but no cigar.”  That sound makes me think of a cross between Frankenstein and the sound effect when you touch the tweezers to the metal in the board game Operation.

It can be challenging for me to deal with a baby who can’t communicate the same way as I do.  Because I am a guy who is obsessed with open, clear, positive communication. But with a baby, a lot gets lost in translation.  Somewhere between my “Why are you crying?!” and his “I’m laying down on my pacifier and it’s hurting my back!”

I’ll be glad when he and I speak the same language.

Yes.  I know, that’s a whole other ball game: A kid that can say “no.”

baby sleeping