How To Hurt A Grown Man’s Feelings

Honestly, Do Dads Secretly Miss Their B.C. (“Before Child”) Days?

January 20, 2013 at 11:03 pm , by 

2 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack,

A couple of days ago I wrote to you about why I am happier now that you are here, compared to before I was a dad: “Dads Are Happier Than Moms and Singles, Says Psychological Science.”

Today I am following up on that topic with what I believe is a necessary and relevant sequel, by asking the question: Honestly, do dads secretly miss their “B.C. days?”

In other words, do dads long for the days before their child (or children) came along?

I can only speak for myself here, but here’s how I feel about it:

Yes, I miss the days of being much less accountable and responsible as a human being in general; having more free time and having the privilege of being able to take life less seriously.

But interestingly, like I said a couple of days ago, I was missing something in my life back then.

I would say that most men (the ones I know, at least) are wired to want to be responsible enough to have a loving and caring relationship with their wife, and therefore, also to have a loving and caring relationship with their children as well.

For me personally, I equate being a faithful husband and father with the ultimate epitome of masculinity.

Do I miss the best parts about my life before I became a dad? Sure.

But I think that focusing on the best parts of how things used to be can be a foolish and dangerous thing. Instead, I know it’s important to focus on the best parts of my life now.

The thought of keeping you at bay in the dog toy section of Harris Teeter while Mommy buys groceries either seems funny and random or completely typical for a modern American dad.

To me, it’s an honor. I get to mold a young 2 year-old boy in the ways of the world. I get to teach what is “normal.”

Yes, it’s weird to let you shake a white dog toy named “Flea,” as you think he’s somehow related to Elmo.

(“It’s Elmo?!” You confusingly tried to convince yourself, despite the fact he had 6 legs.)

But if it weren’t for me in your life, who would be creating these bizarre story lines for you? That’s my job and I’m proud of it!

Tonight, after I read you Where The Wild Things Are for the 9th night in a row, I told you that I love you; as I do every night after I sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” as your lullaby. (That’s per your request, by the way.)

This was the first time you ever said “I love you” back.

I would choose the best parts of my life with you any day over the best parts of my life before you.

 

Love,

Daddy

Dads Are Happier Than Moms and Singles, Says Psychological Science

January 18, 2013 at 11:02 pm , by 

2 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack,

As I sat across from you and Mommy last Sunday morning for breakfast at The Perch in Nashville, I had an epiphany for the first time since you were born:

“I am happy about my life.”

Since you arrived, Mommy and I have overcome dual unemployment; two moves; one of our cars breaking down in the middle of the 2nd move; buying a new car; the ceiling of our living room caving in; you having a febrile seizure; me almost losing my job last summer; to finally where we are today:

“Whew…”

A state of normalcy where I can finally exhale.

I don’t think most dads’ lives were as chaotic as mine when their first child was born, so perhaps I had a late start in getting to the point of coming to the realization of how happy I am about my life … as a parent.

Today as I was listening to my favorite radio station, WAY-FM, I learned about an article in USA Today called, “Are Parents Happier? Dads May Be, But Not Mom, Singles.”

I read the article which refers to new research in the journal Psychological Science and I get it; at least in my own head. No one needs to explain to me why research would show that dads are happier than single men, single women, and moms.

Here’s my explanation, as spot-on or dead-wrong as it may be:

I’ve never heard a man say, “All I’ve ever wanted was to be a dad.” Yet, I’ve definitely heard many (if not most?) women say that, in regards to becoming a parent.

While I obviously don’t speak for all or most men, I myself never longed to be a father; I just always knew I would be one.

For me, becoming a dad was something as predictable as getting a job, getting married, and getting old.

I only had generic expectations in regards to being a dad. What I didn’t have were dreamed-about expectations about how complete and meaningful my life would seem once you got here.

But that’s the thing. Honestly, I was surprised by the amount of meaning my life gained once I became a dad two years ago.

It’s like I finally mattered to the universe. Because now I matter to you.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

Being Cool Enough To Get Invited To Another Child’s Birthday Party

January 16, 2013 at 11:05 pm , by 

2 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack,

Until last Saturday, the only birthday parties you had been invited to were for either very close friends or family.

So as weird as this may sound, it was at least somewhat of a milestone as a parent to receive a birthday invitation from one of your classmates from daycare.

“Jack, do you know Joshua from your class?” I asked you.

“Yeah, he likes the trains,” you responded with no hesitation and full confidence.

So we bought 3 die cast Chuggington trains for your friend Joshua.

I didn’t even know who Joshua was, which added to the coolness factor of you being invited to his party.

“Who is this mysterious Joshua kid?” I wondered.

We arrived at The Monkey’s Treehouse, where you instantly made your way to the giant wooden train sets and began inching a train around each corner and up each ramp with careful precision.

A friendly boy with olive complected skin and black curly hair pushed a toy shopping cart by you saying, “Hi Jack.”

“Oh, that must be the Joshua,” I told Mommy. I was right.

It was his 3rd birthday. A cool, older kid wanted you at his fun birthday party at an indoor playground. Epic.

Of course, you were perfectly content hanging out at the train station the entire time, only taking a short break for birthday cake.

Trust me, I tried, but I just couldn’t get a natural shot of you and Joshua in the same picture. That’s okay, though.

Because I have a feeling that part of the reason Joshua invited you to his birthday party was that he liked you and wanted to make sure you guys officially became friends.

Kids’ birthday parties are a good venue for building relationships with not only the kids, but also the parents.

Sure enough, for the first time ever, when I picked you up from daycare today, you explained, “Joshua ate the apple.”

Yes, Joshua has now made it into your after-school conversations with me.

I like your new friend. He’s a cool kid, just like you.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

The Sandy Hook Promise: This Time There Will Be Change

January 15, 2013 at 11:03 pm , by 

2 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

It has now been over a month since the tragic event that inspired me to write you, ”Processing The Newtown, Connecticut School Shooting As A Parent.” Since then, I’ve observed two natural responses from American society:

A) To help those who are grieving and B) to try to figure out how to prevent this from happening again.

The latter has led to many discussions aboutgun control, for as much or as little as that term may be referring to. For the past month, I have been deliberately avoiding public involvement in these conversations.

But now, I am willing to share with you how I feel about it. What makes it easy for me is that I read an article today on The New York Times’ website called “Families of Newton Victims Organize Violence Prevention Effort.”

After reading the story, and after reading between the lines, it appears to me that the Sandy Hook parents who are quoted are saying out loud what I’ve been thinking to myself for the past month.

To summarize, they are ultimately thanking the President for his efforts to help by trying to prevent another similar tragedy with his effort to ban the kind of assault weapon and high-capacity ammunition magazines used in the Newtown shooting.

However, the parents interviewed in the New York Times article, who have started a non-profit group called Sandy Hook Promise, are more focused on creating a national dialogue about school safety, mental health, and gun responsibility.

Here’s the Sandy Hook Promise, according to their website:

“I Promise to honor the 26 lives lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

I Promise to do everything I can to encourage and support common sense solutions that make my community and our country safer from similar acts of violence.”

It can’t be assumed that all or even most of the Sandy Hook parents feel the same way as those who have founded Sandy Hook Promise. Even still, it’s interesting to see enough gun-owning members of Sandy Hook Promise who are basically saying, “Hey, wait, before we focus so much on banning guns and ammunition, let’s take a look at the other issues too…”.

Maybe (!) I’m reading too much into the article, as well as, the Sandy Hook Promise’s website, but I think the term “common sense solutions” is an indirect way of saying that banning guns is not a common sense solution.

I find it interesting and no coincidence that when you go to the website for Sandy Hook Promise, there is a button you can click to receive email updates. It says, “I promise,” followed by, “this time there will be a change.”

(It is worth noting that the President’s campaign slogan of 2008 was “Change we can believe in.” Complete coincidence? Again, maybe I’m reading into something that’s not actually there.)

Personally, I feel that if certain assault weapons and ammunition magazines were banned, it would surely make it more difficult for troubled, mentally ill young men to use those certain assault weapons and ammunition magazines in public shootings. But it wouldn’t stop them from finding other ways to hurt large groups of people in theaters and schools.

Even with a complete gun ban, which I know the President nor the Democrats are not actually in favor of, a crazed attacker could still find access to homemade bombs, poisonous gas, and most likely… guns.

Honestly, my opinion on gun control and the Newton, Connecticut shooting doesn’t really matter. However, the opinions of the Sandy Hook parents are actually very relevant and they absolutely do matter.

And best I can tell, they’re more interested in having a national conversation about school safety, mental health, and gun responsibility. Not “banning” guns.

Read The New York Times’ “Families of Newtown Victims Organize Violence Prevention Effort” and the Sandy Hook Promise website… see what you personally think about it.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

Top image: Little boy holds his father’s hand: Shutterstock.

Bottom image, No guns allowed, abstract art: Shutterstock.