For a guy to talk about his own hairstyle is equally as taboo as one man telling another man how much he liked watching The Notebook. But here’s the problem. There are a lot of guys with awful hairstyles out there. Combed-back, fluffy domes. Chicken butt-heads. Preacher-do’s. The Weatherman.
But now finally, I’m willing to put my manhood on the line to present a simple, easy, and quick-to-fix hairstyle that most men can pull off. Even for men with receding hairlines, this works.
I have been a man of many hairstyles in my 28.9 years. From buzz cut, to faux hawk, to “the Ashton Kutcher”, to “the Sawyer from LOST”. Maybe it’s because I’m so black-and-white of a person that since I couldn’t find the exact perimeters of a “perfect haircut”, my hairstyle was ever-evolving. Always roaming, like the Incredible Hulk (TV version).
But it’s been a few months now, and I find myself getting the same haircut every 6 weeks. That’s a new concept for me. With easy to follow instructions, and pictures featuring yours truly, in shades (which plays down the “look at me/I’m on Twitter” persona that I try to avoid with a passion) I will help you obtain the perfect haircut you’ve always been looking for.
Getting the Haircut:
If possible, go to a barber. (It’s not a real barber shop unless it has one of those red and white barber shop poles out front.) A barber is more likely to do a cleaner job. And I can’t explain it, but it’s somehow less awkward. It’s just the classic way to do it.
Tell the barber you want a “2 guard on the sides and back” and “leave it one inch long on top”. The barber will know automatically to “blend” the differences in length between the sides and the top.
For your sideburns, they should come down to the bottom of your “ear hole”. Having sideburns (of the appropriate length) is a way of saying “I’ve got an edge, but not an obvious one”. If your sideburns come down lower than the bottom of your ear lobes, you risk saying, “I wish I was in a rock band.”
The barber may automatically “texturize” your hair. That means they are slightly making the length on top a little inconsistent to give it a bit of a messy look. Don’t ask for the barber to texturize your hair. That shows you know too much. If the barber doesn’t automatically do it or ask you your preference, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big of a deal.
On a side note, here’s the deal with shaving your face. Don’t worry about shaving everyday. Having a “barely there beard” is expected of the modern American man. The formula is this: Shave your face every 5 to 7 days, but shave your neck every 2 to 3 days.
Fixing Your Hair:
After getting out of the shower, carelessly dry your hair with a towel. Mess it up as your dry it. Do this until you hair is no longer wet. I mean it. You’re not going for “the wet look”. That’s for douchebags, Italians on reality TV shows, and guys stuck in 1993.
There is only one product on the market that I currently fully recommend. It’s American Crew (Matte). Costs around $13. It’s not sticky and it smells manly. Like a cedar tree.
Dip your middle or pointer finger in the stuff, only getting enough to match the same size as a nickel. Rub in the pomade (that American Crew stuff) all throughout your hair. Make sure you don’t concentrate it into any particular area of your hair. This should take less than 5 seconds.
Next, using your right hand, run your fingers back across the top of your head, while keeping your fingers close enough together that it causes your hair to stand straight up, but not straight back.
Now, run your hands down the sides of your head and down the back. You don’t want the side or back to stick straight out, causing your hair to form a diamond shape. That’s a bad thing.
Reach back to the top of your head, and make sure that it’s not stick straight out. You don’t want a chicken butt.
Last step. Barely dip your finger back in the pomade. Touch up the very front. This part needs to be going straight up, not straight out.
Success. You now have modern/classic hair that doesn’t move. An updated James Dean. Or a pre faux hawk.
While at first, this process may appear to be time consuming, I easily do it in less than a minute every morning. You’ll master this thing within a week.
Most importantly, don’t tell anyone I told you this. Men do not talk about their hairstyles. I’m only doing this to help you. Be cool.
Just walk away, like we weren’t even talking. “Hey, what’s that over there?” You get the idea.
Manspeak Table of Contents
Volume -1: Boyspeak: http://wp.me/pxqBU-9d
Volume 0: Introduction http://wp.me/pxqBU-8G
Volume 1: Humor http://wp.me/pxqBU-1i
Volume 2: Heroism http://wp.me/pxqBU-1m
Volume 3: Filtration http://wp.me/pxqBU-1p
Volume 4: Stance http://wp.me/pxqBU-1s
Volume 5: Movement http://wp.me/pxqBU-1v
Volume 6: Law http://wp.me/pxqBU-3h
Volume 7: Bromance http://wp.me/pxqBU-3W
Volume 8: Relaxation http://wp.me/pxqBU-6a
Volume 9: Appearance http://wp.me/pxqBU-6f
Volume 10: Exploration http://wp.me/pxqBU-6O
Volume 11: Responsibility http://wp.me/pxqBU-8v
Volume 12: Transparency http://wp.me/pxqBU-8J
Volume 13: Composure http://wp.me/pxqBU-8N
Special Episode: The Bachelor Party http://wp.me/pxqBU-uY
Special Episode: The Perfect Haircut http://wp.me/pxqBU-xN