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The Non-Doofus Dad Awareness Ribbon

June 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm , by 

A year and a half.

I’m gonna say it: I’m suffering from “over-awareness awareness.”

What started out as noble and respectable causes, the use of awareness ribbons on cars and on the Internet has now officially jumped the shark.

Earlier this week I was driving behind a car displaying  a “zombie awareness” ribbon magnet, with an image of a rotten brain oozing out.

And another car promoting Labradoodle Awareness. Um, okay. I’m aware. Now what?

So I figured today, I might as well add to the noise. I hereby introduce to you the “Non-Doofus Dad Awareness” ribbon.

One of the re-occurring themes here on The Dadabase has always been an attempt to stigmatize the practice of making dads and husbands out to be idiots; especially in ads and sitcoms.

Yeah, remember the whole Huggies fiasco not too long ago? Oops.

This week more than one person forwarded me an article from Adweek entitled “The Demise of the Doofus Dad in Ads: A backlash against the bumbling father figure is paving the way for Superdad” by Heather Chaet.

It felt good to read such an on-target article reiterating what I’ve been saying for a long time. Here’s the meat of it:

“The garden-variety parent, regardless of gender, suffers from sleep deprivation, wrangles pickups for play dates and hopelessly dodges pointy little plastic things strewn across the kitchen floor…”.

Chaet goes on to point out in her article that for many parenting couples under the age of 30, Mommy is now making more money than Daddy:

“But as the family dynamic has changed, with more women becoming educated and entering the workforce and men sharing more of the load at home, the doofus dad—an increasingly extinct figure in the culture—nonetheless has remained a fixture in some ad campaigns.”

Like many Generation Y dads, I don’t make as much money as my wife; not to mention she has a Master’s Degree and I don’t.

So if I can’t be the main bread winner or the most educated, I at least want to know I can get one thing right these days: being a good dad.

Therefore, it’s never funny or cute for anyone (whether in my private life or on a TV commercial) to portray me as anything less than competent as a husband and father.

No, I don’t have to be drawn up like I’m Superdad. But just as I wouldn’t want my wife to be portrayed in a condescending manner in pop culture as a mom, I don’t want to be an outdated stereotype either.

It’s not just being represented as a Doofus Dad that annoys me. I also loathe being lumped into the categories of Dead-Beat Dad, Absentee Dad, or at best, Would-Rather-Watch-Sports-Than-Spend-Time-With-My-Kid Dad.

Two years ago, fellow Nashville blogger Jon Acuff brought to my attention a sadly familiar tradition in churches with his blog post, “The Wild Difference Between A Mother’s Day Sermon And A Father’s Day Sermon.” And I quote:

“One feels like a Lifetime movie, the other an episode of ‘Scared Straight,’ where high school students are forced to listen to convicts yell at them about their lives.”

So this is why I have created the Non-Doofus Dad Awareness Ribbon. Because I am proud to be a good dad. Iam not a doofus.

Sure, I’ve got my dorky side, but I’m a darn good dad; just like every dad out there reading this today.

Hey, it’s pretty much a given that if you read Parents magazine and The Dadabase, you’re automatically one of the good dads; representing the majority, not the stereotyped minority.

So like a kid on the playground trying to get his frenemy in trouble for cussing, I will make better effort to “out” the companies and organizations still doing those stupid dad-bashing ads.

At the risk of being considered a doofus, I am proudly displaying my Non-Doofus Dad Awareness Ribbon on myPinterest and Facebook.

You’re welcome to join me; all you fellow dads who are equally annoyed by these insulting concepts of husbands forgetting their wife’s birthday and being all grossed out over changing a dirty diaper.

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Daddy’s Roughhousing: Good Physically and Psychologically

June 12, 2012 at 7:57 pm , by 

A year and a half.

This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio about an article on abcnews.com called “Roughhousing With Dad Crucial For Development, Say Researchers.”

My first reaction was “Oh, cool! I can write about that tonight. It proves the importance of dads playing rough with their kids.”

Fifteen seconds later it hit me: “But wait… duh!Doesn’t every dad already know that? Is that really even news?”

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

“The researchers believe that the most important aspect of this play is that it gives children a sense of achievement when they ‘defeat’ a more powerful adult, building their self-confidence and concentration. However, fathers who resist their children, can also teach them the life lesson that, in life, you don’t always win. The act of a stronger adult holding back that strength also helps to build trust between father and child.”

I’m sorry to sound too 1993 with my use of the word “duh!” but I could have told you that.

In fact, I already did in my October 2011 Dadabase article entitled, “Bullying Prevention Month: Teaching My Infant Self-Defense” where I explained it this way:

“I play the big scary monster who hides behind the couch and charges towards him to give him a big ‘daddy hug.’ It’s a way for him to test his strength against mine, as he knows I’m no real danger to him. I’m simply his training coach.”

It’s always funny to me when we have to pay experts to confirm what the rest of us normal folks have known all along. No one had to tell me that each evening when my son invites me to wrestle with him on the blow-up mattress randomly (and unnecessarily) placed in the middle of our living room floor, he’s not simply wanting to burn off energy.

He is wanting to be re-enforced the truth that he has someone strong enough to protect him.

Sure, I scare him when I chase him down the hall pretending to be a ferocious lion: He laughs as he screams from the thrill.

When he feels my scratchy face against his, he is reminded that I provide power and strength for him.

I think C.S. Lewis shed some light on the subject in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe:

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

My wife’s job is to tenderize our meathead of a son. My job is to toughen him up. He likes getting the best of both worlds.

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A Slap In The Face: Child Abuse Or Discipline?

June 10, 2012 at 7:34 pm , by 

A year and a half.

Back in February when I was doing some research as I wrote “4 Out Of 5 Parents Spank Their Kids” I read that slapping a child in the face can be considering a form of spanking.

I was never slapped in the face by my parents, nor could I ever imagine doing that to my son. To deem a face slap as a form of discipline seems illegitimate to me.

But is it because of the age and culture I am a part of?

The premium TV show Mad Menalways does a good job of pointing out situations that are largely considered taboo today, but back in the 1960′s when the show takes place, were considered normal and acceptable.

I have noticed that in this show, children get slapped in the face as a form of discipline and punishment; sometimes even by an adult who is not the child’s parent. And therefore, we are led to believe this was okay for 1963.

Meanwhile, my wife knows a man who, without shame, admitted he slaps his children to discipline them. He is not from America.

So I wonder, as a Generation Y American dad, am I preconditioned to believe that slapping my child in the face is taboo? Or is this type of punishment truly as legitimate as spanking a child on their bum?

I am simply hosting this conversation. I would like for you to point out the double standards, both in favor and against including face-slapping in the same category as spanking.

Do you consider slapping a child in the face morally wrong, yet believe spanking your child’s buttocks is acceptable?

Why is a slap in the face somehow worse? Is it more psychologically damaging than spanking?

Does it make a difference whether or not it leaves a physical mark the next day? Is that what is considered crossing the line?

Why is there more of a taboo on face-slapping?

Why are you more likely to see a parent spank their child in public than slap them in the face? Is it because less parents slap their kids in the face or is it because those parents know they would be confronted by another adult?

If you witnessed a parent slapping their child in the face in public, would you do or say anything to them about it? (Imagine this being an episode of that show What Would You Do?)

Okay, go…

 

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Is My Kid Starting The Terrible Twos Early?

June 8, 2012 at 10:49 pm , by 

A year and a half.

There are certain rules that must be followed as a part of the Shell home:

Take your shoes off at the door.  Don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. Make your bed before you leave for the day.

But there is one in particular that is especially important to me:

No whining!

In our house, when you need a listening ear, someone to hear your problems and help by being there for you, you got it.

But to whine for no legitimate reason? Not acceptable.

Here recently, Jack has been making a big annoying fuss out of nothing. Or equally bad; getting upset about stupid stuff, like this morning when I wouldn’t let him play with sidewalk chalk during breakfast.

And I mean temper tantrum. Dramatic display of oppression. Wailing.

I have not studied the psychology behind the “Terrible Twos” but I assume it must be a crucial time in a kid’s life when they are extremely impressionable regarding behavioral training and when they are in need of knowing the security of followed-through discipline.

As an amateur follower of Feng Shui, I know the importance of combatting yang (aggressive energy) with ying (calming energy).

Jack’s yang of pitching a fit because we won’t let him take his food out of the kitchen is quenched with my ying of explaining to him why food must be eaten in the kitchen only; not over the carpet in the living room. Then I attempt to distract him with a view of outside or a toy.

If the emotional outburst persists, it’s a brief time-out session alone in his crib.

I will not allow myself to be overcome by the irrational thinking of an 18 month-old. And I’ve told him that.

To be honest, I kind of enjoy the challenge of my son’s early Terrible Twos. It’s like psychologically sparring with another human being. And after all, I can’t let an 18 month-old little boy beat a 31 year-old man.

As I think back to the first year of his life especially, I remember daily predicaments where my lack of maternal instincts caused me to get frustrated because I did not know what to do for my son.

But now, that is definitely changing. I’m seeing daily occurrences where my wife depends on me to handle our trainable little monster.

So I proudly rise to the challenge.

Like I told Jack: “You want to start your Terrible Twos early with me, kid? I’ll make sure you get your money’s worth. They will be terrible, all right. Maybe a little ‘two’ terrible.”

(My inspiration is evidently Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents.)

While I’m sure my son didn’t pick up on the slight sarcasm nor the clever play on words, I know he got the main point.

Man, I love playing the villain.

 

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What If We Only Want To Have One Child?

June 5, 2012 at 10:04 pm , by 

A year and a half.

It’s a decision that only my wife and I can make for ourselves, yet we’re open to hearing input from the free world.

For the past several months now, we have been leaning towards the decision to only have one child. It’s not the stress of parenthood getting the best of us. After all, at 18-months old, our son is pretty low-maintenance.

He’s the best son we can ask for and we’re so blessed to have him. So… why overdo it and have another kid?

I love the idea of only having our son. We can pour all of our energy and time into this one special person.

Whatever interests and passions he wants to pursue, we can support him fully.

No conflicts with our other kids’ schedules. No fighting in the back seat on the drive to Florida for family vacation.

Less financial worries. Less stress on our marriage.

As we’ve talked to couples who decided to only have one kid, they share no regrets about it.

I admit: I want to be part of the cool “One Kid Only” club.

As I try to sort through this, I gather reasons why we should consider having another child:

Who will take care of us when we’re old? What if something happens to our son and then we have no children at all? Wouldn’t it be sad for our son if he had no siblings to grow up with?

While I can continue to think of more Debbie Downer questions like these, I really don’t see how answering them will change how I feel:

I want to raise an only-child. I believe I will be feel completely fulfilled with just one kid.

Right now I am 31 years old and my wife almost is. Biologically, we’re still good for several more years.

So how long do we wait before we know to go ahead and make it official? How long before I go “get the surgery” and I can move forward as the proud parent of one child?

Yes, I know: If my parents would have made the same decision then my sister wouldn’t be here. Neither would my wife, who is 9 of 10 kids.

I want my wife to get her “mating’s worth” out of me. That’s important. And it would be one thing if I was simply telling my exclusive thoughts on this, but I’m not.

In fact, though I’ve been kicking this blog idea around for months now, I didn’t actually plan to write or publish it.

But my wife convinced me otherwise. This is something we both feel the same way about, yet want to be sure about.

This can ultimately only end in one of three ways that I can think of:

A) We delay up to about 4 more years before I get the surgery.

B) We choose to have another kid.

C) We surprisingly get pregnant as we try to figure this out.

Okay, passing the mic to you now. The two of us want your insight. Any advice and direction you’re willing to share?