parenting

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A Slap In The Face: Child Abuse Or Discipline?

June 10, 2012 at 7:34 pm , by 

A year and a half.

Back in February when I was doing some research as I wrote “4 Out Of 5 Parents Spank Their Kids” I read that slapping a child in the face can be considering a form of spanking.

I was never slapped in the face by my parents, nor could I ever imagine doing that to my son. To deem a face slap as a form of discipline seems illegitimate to me.

But is it because of the age and culture I am a part of?

The premium TV show Mad Menalways does a good job of pointing out situations that are largely considered taboo today, but back in the 1960′s when the show takes place, were considered normal and acceptable.

I have noticed that in this show, children get slapped in the face as a form of discipline and punishment; sometimes even by an adult who is not the child’s parent. And therefore, we are led to believe this was okay for 1963.

Meanwhile, my wife knows a man who, without shame, admitted he slaps his children to discipline them. He is not from America.

So I wonder, as a Generation Y American dad, am I preconditioned to believe that slapping my child in the face is taboo? Or is this type of punishment truly as legitimate as spanking a child on their bum?

I am simply hosting this conversation. I would like for you to point out the double standards, both in favor and against including face-slapping in the same category as spanking.

Do you consider slapping a child in the face morally wrong, yet believe spanking your child’s buttocks is acceptable?

Why is a slap in the face somehow worse? Is it more psychologically damaging than spanking?

Does it make a difference whether or not it leaves a physical mark the next day? Is that what is considered crossing the line?

Why is there more of a taboo on face-slapping?

Why are you more likely to see a parent spank their child in public than slap them in the face? Is it because less parents slap their kids in the face or is it because those parents know they would be confronted by another adult?

If you witnessed a parent slapping their child in the face in public, would you do or say anything to them about it? (Imagine this being an episode of that show What Would You Do?)

Okay, go…

 

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Is My Kid Starting The Terrible Twos Early?

June 8, 2012 at 10:49 pm , by 

A year and a half.

There are certain rules that must be followed as a part of the Shell home:

Take your shoes off at the door.  Don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. Make your bed before you leave for the day.

But there is one in particular that is especially important to me:

No whining!

In our house, when you need a listening ear, someone to hear your problems and help by being there for you, you got it.

But to whine for no legitimate reason? Not acceptable.

Here recently, Jack has been making a big annoying fuss out of nothing. Or equally bad; getting upset about stupid stuff, like this morning when I wouldn’t let him play with sidewalk chalk during breakfast.

And I mean temper tantrum. Dramatic display of oppression. Wailing.

I have not studied the psychology behind the “Terrible Twos” but I assume it must be a crucial time in a kid’s life when they are extremely impressionable regarding behavioral training and when they are in need of knowing the security of followed-through discipline.

As an amateur follower of Feng Shui, I know the importance of combatting yang (aggressive energy) with ying (calming energy).

Jack’s yang of pitching a fit because we won’t let him take his food out of the kitchen is quenched with my ying of explaining to him why food must be eaten in the kitchen only; not over the carpet in the living room. Then I attempt to distract him with a view of outside or a toy.

If the emotional outburst persists, it’s a brief time-out session alone in his crib.

I will not allow myself to be overcome by the irrational thinking of an 18 month-old. And I’ve told him that.

To be honest, I kind of enjoy the challenge of my son’s early Terrible Twos. It’s like psychologically sparring with another human being. And after all, I can’t let an 18 month-old little boy beat a 31 year-old man.

As I think back to the first year of his life especially, I remember daily predicaments where my lack of maternal instincts caused me to get frustrated because I did not know what to do for my son.

But now, that is definitely changing. I’m seeing daily occurrences where my wife depends on me to handle our trainable little monster.

So I proudly rise to the challenge.

Like I told Jack: “You want to start your Terrible Twos early with me, kid? I’ll make sure you get your money’s worth. They will be terrible, all right. Maybe a little ‘two’ terrible.”

(My inspiration is evidently Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents.)

While I’m sure my son didn’t pick up on the slight sarcasm nor the clever play on words, I know he got the main point.

Man, I love playing the villain.

 

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The Cheers Theme Song And Being A Parent

June 7, 2012 at 8:57 pm , by 

A year and a half.

Never in my life have I ever watched a full episode of the classic TV sitcom, Cheers. Until about 20 minutes ago.

I just finished the first episode on Netflix. It was simple and warm and charming. I loved time-traveling back to 1982; interestingly, I myself was a year and a half when the show first premiered.

But despite just now actually watching Cheers, I have been a huge fan of the theme song for my entire life.

The way I see it, this “average Joe anthem” written by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo is only 2nd to “In My Life” by The Beatles, as far as The Best Song Ever Written.

The intertwining music and lyrics are perfectly melancholy yet hopeful; yearning yet found. What human being can’t relate to this?

“Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.”

Life is hard. Financial insecurities? I got ‘em. Uncertainty on how my life is supposed to play out? Yep.

Especially today in particular.

But I am blessed enough to come home to a beautiful wife and a magnificent son who take me just as I am. Actually, they take me for morethan I am.

As we all sat on the kitchen floor tonight for some unrehearsed family time, Jack unfolded his scrappy coloring book and pulled out his pathetically worn-out crayons.

He likes to assign crayons to Jill and I as he colors the destined-to-be-a-scribbled-mess pages.

“Dada?” He held up the yellow crayon like a good friend offering a premium beer.

For times like these when my life feels like a clusterfog, I especially want to go where everybody knows my name, where they’re always glad I came, and where I can see troubles are all the same.

Where, as a family, we know whatever happens, we’re in this thing together.

Where everybody knows my name. My name is Dada.

 

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They Grow Up So Fast: Instagramming Life

June 6, 2012 at 9:17 pm , by 

A year and a half.

Yes, it’s a parenting cliche. But it’s so true and therefore I must confront it:

“They grow up so fast.”

We live in the age of Instagramming. Granted, I’m not actually cool enough to have a smart phone to share a vintage photo version of what my kid just did any given moment of his waking hours.

But I see Instagrams all the time on Facebook. Some being unintentionally ironic and uncreative- like a picture of a Starbucks cup. Others, however, are photos of something a bit more relevant and important in life.

Like our kids.

And I think that’s a pretty symbolic concept. Prepare for me to get deep here.

If you’re like me, you spend the majority of your time doing the things you don’t want to, like driving to and from work, being at work, cleaning dishes, etc.

A very small percentage of my life is actually spent doing what I really want to do; which is spending time with my wife and son.

So I constantly carry my camera around in an effort to capture every warm, fuzzy moment I can. Because as I’ve written, these are the longest years and the shortest days of my life; being a parent, that is.

It’s my attempt to magnify the best parts of my life and be able to share them with everyone who cares.

Consider this: We are constantly traveling through time and space.

My best Internet research tells me that since the Earth is always spinning, we are constantly moving at 1,040 miles per hour. (Correct me if I’m wrong on that.)

Good thing for gravity.

We are forced to travel forward into time while simultaneously stuck in physical locations we don’t necessarily want to be and participating in events we’d rather not.

There is no such thing as the present. Once we think, “this is now,” it’s no longer now. It’s back then.

So anytime we can make a positive memory into one that is eternal, indestructible, and virtually omnipresent, why wouldn’t we?

So why is Instagram so cool? It automatically “retro-izes”  events that just happened, dressing them up like a Dharma Initiative Polaroid in order to direct-deposit the memory into the classic “good times” folder in our brains.

That’s basically what deja vu is- when our brains mistakenly file a current memory as a classic one.

Now back to the beginning: “They grow up so fast.”

We can’t stop it. We can barely detect the tiny changes in our children that happen overnight. We want to hold on to “this version” of our kids forever.

The next best thing we have to pressing the pause button on their current cuteness is to take a picture and therefore speak a thousand words.

That is how we travel back in time to places we’d rather be.

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4 Comments Posted on parenting, Spirituality, Storytelling

What If We Only Want To Have One Child?

June 5, 2012 at 10:04 pm , by 

A year and a half.

It’s a decision that only my wife and I can make for ourselves, yet we’re open to hearing input from the free world.

For the past several months now, we have been leaning towards the decision to only have one child. It’s not the stress of parenthood getting the best of us. After all, at 18-months old, our son is pretty low-maintenance.

He’s the best son we can ask for and we’re so blessed to have him. So… why overdo it and have another kid?

I love the idea of only having our son. We can pour all of our energy and time into this one special person.

Whatever interests and passions he wants to pursue, we can support him fully.

No conflicts with our other kids’ schedules. No fighting in the back seat on the drive to Florida for family vacation.

Less financial worries. Less stress on our marriage.

As we’ve talked to couples who decided to only have one kid, they share no regrets about it.

I admit: I want to be part of the cool “One Kid Only” club.

As I try to sort through this, I gather reasons why we should consider having another child:

Who will take care of us when we’re old? What if something happens to our son and then we have no children at all? Wouldn’t it be sad for our son if he had no siblings to grow up with?

While I can continue to think of more Debbie Downer questions like these, I really don’t see how answering them will change how I feel:

I want to raise an only-child. I believe I will be feel completely fulfilled with just one kid.

Right now I am 31 years old and my wife almost is. Biologically, we’re still good for several more years.

So how long do we wait before we know to go ahead and make it official? How long before I go “get the surgery” and I can move forward as the proud parent of one child?

Yes, I know: If my parents would have made the same decision then my sister wouldn’t be here. Neither would my wife, who is 9 of 10 kids.

I want my wife to get her “mating’s worth” out of me. That’s important. And it would be one thing if I was simply telling my exclusive thoughts on this, but I’m not.

In fact, though I’ve been kicking this blog idea around for months now, I didn’t actually plan to write or publish it.

But my wife convinced me otherwise. This is something we both feel the same way about, yet want to be sure about.

This can ultimately only end in one of three ways that I can think of:

A) We delay up to about 4 more years before I get the surgery.

B) We choose to have another kid.

C) We surprisingly get pregnant as we try to figure this out.

Okay, passing the mic to you now. The two of us want your insight. Any advice and direction you’re willing to share?