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That Annoying Learning Curve Of Love

February 5, 2014 at 11:10 pm , by 

2 years, 3 months.

Dear Jack,

It was seven years ago today that Mommy and I stopped simply being friends, when I basically tricked her into going on a date with me to that fateful John Mayer concert.

Since February 5, 2007, we have been together; that day was such a defining moment in my life.

That was seven years ago! We have been married five and a half years; and you’ve been around for the past 3 years and 2 months.

In this moment, as I step back and think about it, I am so not the same person I was seven years ago when Mommy and I went on our first date.

I may have been more optimistic back then, but I definitely was much less experienced in life- therefore, I was much more naïve, by default.

Not only have I changed, but so has Mommy. The two of us have become improved versions of ourselves throughout the character-building exercises of marriage and parenthood.

We are different people than we were on February 5, 2007. The challenging part is always making sure we continue to grow up together, not apart. That’s what real love is about; it doesn’t always come easy or automatic.

Real love has required me to be more sensitive to her needs and less sensitive to mine.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned how I took that Ninja Turtle quiz on Spike.com which proved to me what I had already predicted about my personality: I am Leonardo, the aggressive, yet reluctant leader.

But I am confident that, had I taken that quiz seven, or even 5, or 3 years ago, I would have been a Raphael:

“Charming, charismatic, and very good with people… Unfortunately, you’re driven almost primarily by emotion, often to your detriment… It puts you on the defensive a lot.”

My goal these days is to be the calm-assertive leader; to not react so emotionally to emotional situations and to not take things personally… even if that’s how they were meant.

I am learning to be a stronger man. I am learning what empathy means.

If only I knew all this stuff back when I was only 26… man, I could have been so much better of a husband and dad from the beginning, had I only had this mindset since 2007.

But that’s not how it works. Instead, it’s that annoying learning curve of love.

What I am learning is that family is about growing together, which means learning the hard way together about how to become wiser, more improved, and more humbled versions of ourselves; and to earn a better understanding of what love really is:

Being more giving and sharing of myself and being less expecting of those things from others.

 

Love,

Daddy

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Raising My Son To See Females As Somebody’s Daughters, Not Objects

December 18, 2013 at 11:18 pm , by 

3 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

It’s no secret that I am perhaps the most… peculiar person at my office.

No, not just because I’m the token vegan, or the guy that refuses to use microwaves, or because I go mountain biking during my lunch break.

I’m also the guy that likes to unleash subliminal social experiments among my coworkers.

Last Friday, the new monthly coupon advertisements were delivered to the break room, featuring discounts for local businesses.

One of them is for a lodge-themed restaurant featuring scantily clad young women as the waitresses, who on the ad, all looked so happy to be wearing so little flannel. (Not to mention, the name of the restaurant is a play on words that is definitely not discreet about what part of the female body it is alluding to.)

I remember about a year ago, when word came out that the fairly new “breastaurant” chain was moving to the very Republican part of Nashville my office is located. There were people evidently trying to boycott that from happening.

As for me, the token Libertarian of the office, my stance was that if the free market financially supports a corny, degrading-to-women restaurant like that, then let it be.

Turns out, there are enough customers willing to support the place to keep it alive and well, because, afterall… “The food is really good there!” I am told.

Here’s where I’m going with this story: I am raising you to see women as… women. Not objects. I’m raising you to see them as somebody’s daughters.

Just to subliminally reinforce this concept to my coworkers, I printed out in size 10 font, the phrase “A.K.A. Somebody’s Daughters,” then cut it out and taped it underneath the restaurant’s logo and the picture of the uniformed models used for the ad.

When word finally got around this week who was behind the prank, because after all, everyone in the office saw those coupons laying there on the table all week, some were surprised it was me: A happily married 32 year-old man with a 3 year-old son.

I responded by saying, “What- did you assume it was an ultraconversative feminist?” (Whatever that means.)

Nope, it was a guy, who is raising his son to treat women with respect. I want to raise you as one less willing customer for a restaurant like that… no matter how good the “food” is.

On second thought, maybe I really am an ultraconservative feminist… if male Libertarians are allowed to be them?

Love,

Daddy

P.S. This is one of those letters that is to be reserved for when you’re older. But while I’ve got it on my mind, I wanted to give you this “life advice” today and I’ll just bookmark it for when the time is right for you to hear it. In the mean time, enjoy the simple life of being a 3 year-old, please!

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Seth Adam Smith Says Marriage Isn’t For You

November 3, 2013 at 11:34 pm , by 

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Dear Jack: New Infographic- Success is Not Just Hard Work — Your Social Opportunities Could Shape Your Future

3 years, 8 months.

Nashville family

Dear Jack,

There is (and should be) a certain amount of undeniable pressure as your parent to ensure you have great opportunities throughout your life; if not better than what I’ve had.

While it may sound petty or pretentious that I’ve been mentioning our goal to move into “a house in the right school district” here in Nashville, it’s something I feel I need to take seriously. I want you to have exposure to the best education and technology as I reasonably can.

I was one of the first in my family to get a college degree; that was a pretty big deal. But these days, it seems the 4 year college degree is now the high school diploma of 1981, the year I was born.

In other words, I realize for you to really get ahead in your career, Mommy and I are responsible for making sure we help you take advantage of the social opportunities you encounter along the way; as well as the ones you purposely seek out along the way.

This new infographic below, “Success is Not Just Hard Work — Your Social Opportunities Could Shape your Future,” points out some of the social opportunities that can really enhance your future and career:

Environment, technology, finances, culture, and lifestyle.

Now that I really think about it, these 5 particular elements are crucial to furthering your career.

For example, you can have a college degree with an MBA, but if you’re not extremely familiar with the culture you live in, or if you don’t live off a strict budget, you can still totally be set back.

So I take it upon myself, as your dad, to help you obtain a healthy balance of these social opportunities.

After all, the school system (as well as most universities) don’t value the importance of teaching their students how to do a personal budget.

But coming from your Mommy and Daddy, who just a few years ago were $58,000 in debt, and who are now in the positive enough to be “snowballing” the down payment for our new house, I promise we will teach you the value of a budget.

I agree with the title of the infographic: Success is not just hard work.

We’ll teach you everything we know, Son.

Social Opportunities
Source: SocialWorkDegreeGuide.com

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The 1st and 2nd Half Of My Marriage, So Far

I have now been married 6 years. That time frame can be easily and interestingly divided in half.

6 Year Wedding Anniversary Lake Tahoe

The first half of that dichotomy was where as a married couple, my wife and I had not yet learned the hard way regarding finances.

We kept digging ourselves deeper in debt, on top of school loans, cars, and our nice wedding. Those were also the days we still ate at restaurants, too; which sucked up around $80 each week.

Also during that 1st half of our marriage, our son was born, and we moved away from our big city full of good jobs (Nashville) to my small hometown, where it was difficult to find a job at all.

And now for the 2nd half:

Three years through our now 6 year marriage, we moved back to Nashville, got good jobs again, and a year later, were finally out of debt. We’ve been saving our money ever since.

And let me tell you, we are not the same people we were before. We were forced to learn to become tightwads.

So now here we are, married 6 years, and the 2nd half of our marriage, in hindsight, has by default, been better.

These past 3 years have gotten us to so much better of a place in life. Granted, it’s contrasted to the first 3 years in which we lived in ignorant bliss.

In theory, life is more fun when you’re unaware of your responsibilities and the consequences of poor decisions which you didn’t realize were poor decisions at the time.

It’s sobering to realize that life has to be so much more serious than I had planned for it to be. I used to be so carefree.

The important thing is, my wife and I had each other to depend on through all we’ve learned together so far.

When I think of the “for better or worse” part of the marriage vows, this is the kind of stuff I think about.

The challenges we’ve conquered together (like learning how to strictly manage our money) weren’t fun to live through, but they made us better people.

So really, it’s not “for better or worse.” It’s for better and worse.

And in the strangest way, I actually see the romance in that.