There are certain things I could keep myself constantly preoccupied with if I allowed it. Like the fact that my nose is peripherally visible. Not everyone constantly sees their own nose any time that their eyes are open. But I do. It’s not a nuisance, though. Not like that weird red thing chickens have hanging off their beaks. That would be awful.

One of the major “preoccupiers” I think about is breath. The bottom line is this: Unless someone is chewing gum, chances are that if another person smelled their breath, the air that came out would be classified as “bad breath.” Naturally good breath is a rare genetic miracle. The best we can really do is mask the air we breathe out.

And even then, it can be a tricky situation. Sugar only makes a person’s breath worse. Peppermints and cough drops make for some of the worst bad breath once they are eaten. (I personally endorse Trident sugar-free gum with Xylitol as it actually helps fight cavities.)

Since the 3rd grade (for the past 20 years), I have been keeping a sort of mental collection of some of the variations of bad breath I have encountered. In the likeness of wine tasting, in parenthesis is the hint of the scents found in each type:

Morning Breath (dead possum and scrambled eggs)
Stale Breath (work coffee and library books)
Sinus Breath (draining mucus and goat cheese)
Snack Cake Breath (sour milk)
Garlic Breath (the garlic, the whole garlic, and nothing but the garlic)
2:00 PM Breath (muddled lunch aftertaste and the onset of Morning Breath)
Didn’t Brush Teeth Today Breath (rotting log and outdated cinnamon gum)
Smoker’s Breath (ashtray, gasoline, pesticides, and a diesel mechanic shop)
15 Year-Old Boy Breath (Dorritos and Mountain Dew)
McDonald’s Breath (ketchup, diced onions, “meat”)