April Fool’s Day

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Why Our Family Is Giving Up The Vegetarian Lifestyle

April 1, 2013 at 12:10 am , by 

2 years, 4 months.

Dear Jack,

I figure today is just as good as any for us to make a major change in our lives. Tonight, you will dine on meat for the first time!

As for Mommy and me, this will be the first time we’ve had a non-vegetarian meal in nearly a year and a half. In the least, this breaks my personal nearly-monthly long vegan lifestyle.

Not only have your parents kept you from meat, but we’ve also deprived you of soda, fruit juice, most candy, artificial colors, and fast food.

But that’s not fair to you and I realize that now.

What a hypocrite I am to say you can’t have the same foods I had growing up. The fact that some of your favorite toys are the Stomper monster trucks I got from McDonald’s Happy Meals from 1985 really started making me think.

To say that you can never know the joy and splendor of opening a hot steamy bag or box containing not only great tasting food, but also a cool toy, that’s just really not fair.

So today when I pick you up from daycare, I’m taking you straight to the drive-thru and buying you a chicken nugget kids meal.

I just sort of feel embarrassed by this whole hippy stage in my life. (I even endorsed Ron Paul in the 2012 Presidential election! Can we say overboard?)

Looking back, I made way too big of a deal about the pink slime controversy last year. I need to just stop asking where our food comes from and let you be normal.

You’re a kid, for goodness sake! Be a kid!

I realize that a recent University of Oxford study shows that vegetarians live longer, have a lower risk for heart disease, are less likely to develop diabetes, and have a lower height-weight ratio than meat eaters.

Okay, so maybe our family would live longer… but would we have as much fun?

Time to find out!

 

Love,

Daddy

 

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Hoping My Son Makes TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras”

Note: Original post date: April 1, 2012 at 3:59 am , by 

16 months.

Well, I didn’t win the Mega Millions lottery. So I figured out a plan to make the odds work for me, instead of against me: by entering my son in as many beauty pageants as possible. If I play my cards right, I may be able to catch the eye of one of the producers of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

From there, who knows? I’m thinking maybe our own spin-off show… Hey, it worked for The Duggars and Jon and Kate.

Needless to say, there are a lot less boys, especially in the toddler division, for these competitions.

So now that April has begun, we’ve have started investing the majority of our income tax returns in hiring a talent agent to help mold our son into what it takes to win.

The talent agent we’ve begun speaking with has already been very helpful. She explained that we will immediately need to start him on a proper “entertainer’s diet,” limiting his daily calories to only 2/3′s of what the average toddler would consume. I can live with that. Less money on groceries, you know what I mean?

He’s really got to look the part of a little gentleman. And that extra “baby weight” will only hold him back with the judges.

Secondly, the agent explained that if we’re really serious about this, we will consider “medical behavioral management” as well. It seems our 16  month-old son is already showing signs of ADHD and bipolar; from the hyperactivity, to the sudden mood swings, to the grandiose thoughts and conversations he tries to have with us, it’s getting a bit out of control.

So hello Ritalin! We’re not looking to be paid in Fool’s Gold, here. We’re in it to win it!

To tell you the truth, back in the Eighties when I was a kid, I always wanted to be one of the few boys in those pageants. It just kills me that I didn’t speak up and tell my parents.

Well, my son doesn’t have to tell me. I know this is his dream just like it is mine. And hey, if it’s not, I’m sure he’ll thank me one day when his college is paid for because he made it big on TV!

Anyway, wish us luck!

 

Does something seem fishy about this? Click here to found out why…