Spirituality

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Processing The Newtown, Connecticut School Shooting As A Parent

December 14, 2012 at 8:06 pm , by 

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Of All The Siblings Who Never Existed

December 7, 2012 at 10:48 pm , by 

2 years.

Dear Jack,

There’s the near daily discussion between Mommy and I about the possibility, in the future, at least a year from now, of us possibly trying to have another baby. Yes, that would mean a younger brother or sister for you.

We can easily think of good reasons we would want you to be an only child. We can also easily think of good reasons for you to have a sibling.

As far as why you should have a sibling, there’s one weird reason that keeps popping up in my head; one that Mommy has never mentioned.

So I guess I have to file it in the “Daddy’s Deep Thoughts” folder. Here it is:

I think about all the potential siblings who would never be born if we just stopped with you.

It just seems weird to only have one more. Why not two more? Why not five? Why not ten?

At some point for financial, logistical, and other practical reasons, that “one more kid” finally becomes one too many.

How am I supposed to know who the final little brother or sister is supposed to be?

Half of me is wired like Jim Bob Duggar, while the other half is wired like every parent in the history of the world who was content with their decision to only have one child.

I mean, to a certain degree, God leaves it up to Mommy and I to decide how many more lives to bring into the existence of this world.

Really? God is okay with my input in that decision?

No matter how many (or few!) brothers or sisters you end up having, or not having at all, much of that responsibility falls on your parents.

We have less than a decade to decide…for us, for you, and for all the siblings who will never exist.

 

Love,

Daddy

5 Comments Posted on Nostalgia, parenting, Spirituality, Storytelling

A Dad’s Letter To His Son On His 2nd Birthday

November 16, 2012 at 12:03 am , by 

Two years!

Dear Jack,

I know you still won’t be able to read this for a couple of more years, but I wanted to write you a Happy Birthday message on your 2nd birthday anyway.

Since your Mommy and I found out we were having you, back in April 2010, I have been writing a blog entry at least once a week, and often once a day.

The rest of the world has had access to virtually every moment of your process of growing up, but the words were mainly written for the rest of the world.

However, this is just for you. I’ve never written directly to you, until now, on your 2nd birthday.

This day is especially monumental for me. It signifies you officially leaving the days of being a baby and entering the days of being a little boy.

I noticed recently you started calling me “Daddy” now, instead of “Dada.”

Right now as I look at your picture of you holding your birthday balloons and wearing your necktie, which you very willingly wore to be like me, I am so proud of you and love you so much that… it comes out in the form of sadness, somehow.

Everybody told me not to rush any stage of your life. I tried not to.

Of course, the younger you were, the more difficult being a dad was. I was so clueless, even a year ago.

I’ll never forget when you turned 15 months old. That was the first time you really asked for me. That was the first time you wouldn’t cry if Mommy left the room.

Since then, I could tell so obviously that you wanted me and that you loved me.

So while I’ll try not to rush your life along too quickly, I have to admit, I love seeing you grow up.

The older you get and the more you come to life, the stronger of a connection I feel with you. I’m pretty sure it’s a father/son thing.

I love taking way too many pictures of you. I love writing about all the funny things you do and say.

I love you, son. So much.

Though you probably never see me cry, if you could be here right now as I write this, you would see a 31-year-old man who can barely keep himself together.

It’s funny- I didn’t cry a single tear the night you were born. You were just a strange baby who couldn’t talk. My job at that point was basically just to keep you alive.

But today, I can’t hold back the tears for anything. This is the first time I’ve simply been overwhelmed by my love for you.

What most fathers seem to experience the day their son is born, I guess I’m experiencing right now. To me, this is you being born.

That’s because you and I have gotten to the point now where I can actually see my influence over you. Like with wanting to wear the necktie, you want to be like me.

Man. That humbles me and breaks me. Thank you.

Thank you for being my son. I can’t thank God enough for you.

Today you will receive gifts from Mommy and me: some metal trains and tracks to ride them on.

I know you’ll really like them. You’ll carry around your trains with you everywhere you go. But eventually, they’ll be at the bottom of some drawer.

What I will remember most about your 2nd birthday is the way I feel about you right now. And that’s why I’m writing you this letter. I want to be able to capture what I’m feeling right now. That’s what I think is the best gift I can give you today.

Maybe it’s a dad thing, or maybe it’s just me, but in the likeness of a learning curve, I’ve had a “loving curve” with you.

Two years into this, I am experiencing love for you that I have never felt for anyone in my life. So different than the way I love your Mommy.

The love I have for you is wrapped up in some unspoken bond I can’t quite express in words right now. But I promise you I will spend the rest of my life trying to.

Happy Birthday, Son. I love you with all I have.

 

Love,
Daddy

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Morbid Thoughts On Leaving Behind My Legacy Through My Child

October 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm , by 

23 months.

A few months ago during brunch, a friend was giving me some reasons why my wife and I should have another child. I guess for most normal people, it would have been a simple concept that was relatable.

But for me, well, I’m still trying to sort out what I’m supposed to make of what he said:

“Each time you have a child, it’s like another way you leave behind your legacy.”

I’ve thought about it for at least 90 days. My internal response is still the same as it was back on the day I first processed that concept:

What do I care what people say and think about me generations from now?

Let’s face it: A hundred years from now, we’ll all be dead.

Even more morbid is the fact that while there are 8 billion alive on the Earth today, a lot more than that have already lived and died.

I guess somehow that’s the reason I don’t care so much about leaving behind my legacy through my child.

Because what matters to me most is the living legacy I provide for my family. How in this moment and day can I be the best dad for my son that I can be?

It’s funny how it never takes anything too extravagant. It just takes being there for him, through the mundane times more so than the notably special ones.

For me, I don’t ever think how I will be remembered a century from now. If these yet-to-be-born-strangers are really that curious, maybe the Internet as we know it will still exist and they can just Google me or look up my Facebook profile.

Just as we all live together at the same time, we’ll all be dead together too.

So for the people I matter to in this life, I want to share my legacy with now, in present day, not leave it behind after I’m gone.

I’d rather be alive and influential than dead and famous.

 

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My Toddler’s Self-Taught Bedtime Bible Stories

October 23, 2012 at 8:42 pm , by 

23 months.

“I want John! I want Paul!” my son Jack whines.

You’d think he was just a big Beatles fan like his dad, until he continues:

“Martha- where’s Martha? Jesus! There’s Jesus. Jesus sleepy.”

For the past 23 months, Jack has been exposed to a children’s story Bible for bedtime. But now that he can piece sentences together and recall names of different characters, his children’s story Bible has never been more relevant.

His Bible is officially his favorite book. Why wouldn’t it be?

Plenty of camels, horses, sheep, and bearded men in robes to keep the attention of a 23-month-old little boy.

I think it’s hilarious/awesome that Jack has memorized the cartoon representations of at least a dozen men of the Bible. The only real distinction between them is the color of their beards and robes.

Tonight during story time as he sat in my lap and read to me, he made it his mission to find Mark. The problem is, even I couldn’t find Mark.

So I turned to a page where Jesus was feeding the multitudes from a little boy’s bread and fish. I figured with all the bearded men surrounding Jesus on that page, Jack would think he saw Mark somewhere in the crowd.

Not so much.

As I put Jack to bed tonight, it was kind a struggle for me to get him in sleep mode.

“I want Jesus! Jesus!” he cried, literally.

What he wanted was for me to let him take his children’s story Bible to bed with him, like he would his Elmo doll.

I just didn’t see that being a very comfortable situation in the middle of the night.

So Jack did settle for Percy the Train instead.

What’s interesting is that today during my lunch break, I mountain biked across town to the LifeWay store. I was just curious…

Do they sell a Jesus action figure, or even a plush doll?

They don’t.

But I sort of have a feeling by the time this story really ends, I’ll find one for him.