Seriously, it’s my job to mockingly keep a count of how many times Kasey says “guard and protect your heart”, not Chris Harrison’s.
The Bachelors did a good job of making fun of themselves and each other, like when Kasey sang a newly written song for Ali entitled “You Left Me on a Glacier” and when Craig challenged Justin to an olive oil wrestling match. That means there’s not a lot for me to do here today as far as recapping. But still, my job is to pick out the idiosyncrasies of the show, calling out its the subtle and almost hidden agendas. And thanks to Justin, “Bachelor Pad”, Jessie Sulidis and Kirk, I’m still able to do that.
Agenda #1: Get everyone to agree that Justin did a bad thing. What an easy target. We’ve all already established what he did was stupid back when his final episode air, but just to make sure we realize that Justin committed a cowardly reality TV show crime, Chris Harrison gave anyone on set a chance to throw a stone at the memory of the three-timing Canadian wrestler.
Agenda #2: Advertise for the new upcoming trashy Bachelor spin-off called “Bachelor Pad”. Of course it looks like something Fox would have aired circa 2001. Needless to say, I will not be recapping any episodes of it, nor will I be tempted to watch it. Chris Harrison told us it has everything that Bachelor fans want to see; more like everything Rock of Love fans want to see…
Agenda #3: Give Jessie Sulidis more unnecessary air time to attempt to kick-start her acting career. (Her resume is all over the Internet.)
Agenda #4: Try out Kirk as the new Bachelor. Same thing happened with Jake Pavelka on “The Men Tell All” last year. He’s the only Bachelor they put in the “hot seat” without trying to embarrass. Kirk was portrayed sympathetically as a guy who “got his heart broken on a journey to find love”.
My Prediction on Who Ali Chooses:
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not a cheater. While it would be pretty easy to find out Ali’s pick from some blabbermouth website with about 45 seconds of research, I choose to wait like the rest of the country until it’s officially announced next week. From just nine short weeks ago, when I did my first recap for Ali’s season, here were my initial thoughts, as cited in Ali Fedotowsky the Bachelorette: Episode 1- Cowboy Boots.
Predictions of who will “win”, if anyone:
My wife- Frank
Our mutual runner-up: Chris L. from Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Well, if Frank wouldn’t have ended up already having an Italian girlfriend back home in Chicago, he would have obviously been the winner of this thing. And while Chris seems like a solid choice, he’s probably more like the kind of guy who should be chosen as the next Bachelor, not end up with the current Bachelorette. But since, as previously mentioned, the Bachelor producers have already decided that Kirk gets that coveted role, it looks like Chris will be left out in the cold. Literally, in Cape Cod.
Roberto, with his soap opera good looks, will be the one Ali chooses. And if I’m right about that, I will be quite amazed I predicted it right from the first episode. If nothing else, I should give myself a pat on the back, for the right reasons, of predicting the Top 3 along with my wife.
But ultimately, it’s all meaningless. While Ali chooses Roberto, I see it as a short-lived thing. Like really short. Maybe three weeks. This is not a spoiler, just a gut-driven prediction.
If I’m wrong, my reputation as a writer is on the line and you’ll never read one of my recaps ever again. If I’m right, then it means I’m really good at analyzing The Bachelorette and making accurate predictions. In the words of the Simon & Garfunkel song “Mrs. Robinson”: “Either way you look at this you lose…”