America’s favorite Jewish Barbie is back! And this time, she doesn’t have to choose between her job and a man. Because now her job is to choose to a man…
“here for the right reasons”: 7
Times that Ali looks back at the bachelors as they walk inside the mansion: 22 (out of 25)
Bachelors with awful hairstyles: 5
Bachelors with weird accents: 4
Times that Ali starts a witch hunt by having the bachelors vote on who is there for the wrong reasons: 1
Bachelor who already has a girlfriend: 1 (that seems familiar…)
Well, she doesn’t get her own theme song like Prince Charming (Jake Pavelka) did, but ABC had to save room in the budget for all the inevitable helicopter rides and cocktails. But that’s okay. Because there’s nothing like starting out the first episode of your own series by playing a game of soccer against yourself in a park, then contemplating your life as you walk on the beach with a red and yellow sunset as the backdrop.
So how do we feel about the 25 bachelors chosen for our spunky (and whiny, self-hair-messing-up, dilemma-stumped) little sister of sunshine? She’s got about three guys to actually consider. The rest are a joke.
Plus, I’m not totally convinced that all of the bachelors are there for Ali. Could this be the first time in Bachelor/Bachelorette history that the scandal is that the contestants are they to meet other? Pink pastel neckties and heavily tweezed eyebrows don’t help any guy meet a girl. That’s my experience, at least.
Here’s a rundown of the bachelors worth laughing at/actually considering, noting the random “remember me” gifts they brought for Ali. This symbol (*) indicates a really bad hairstyle:
Frank the Hipster from Illinois: writes screenplays and moved to Paris for a while
*Jay the Lawyer from Rhode Island: wears the aforementioned Easter Bunny chosen necktie and wins the prize for the worst hairstyle, which was most likely inspired by Donald Trump, Jr.
*Kyle the Hunter from Colorado: has killed every furry animal in the American West and spends admittedly spends 80% of his time outdoors
Justin the Wrestler from Toronto: AKA “Mr. Rated R”, has a broken ankle and is evidently the biggest threat to most of the other contestants (based on Ali’s secret ballot “vote for the traitor” campaign)
Jonathan the Weatherman from Texas: tells himself every morning into the mirror, “You’re cooler than Ryan Seacrest… You’re cooler than Ryan Seacrest…”
*Ty the Songwriter from Tennessee: will avoid playing his guitar at the mansion unless he wants to be compared to Wes Hayden, who gave guitar playing singer/songwriters a bad name on the show
Chris L. from Mass: is very close to his brothers, dad, and his dogs
Roberto from South Carolina: a Hispanic American (with a Southern accent) who of course speaks Spanish and loves to dance
Derrick from California: goes by “Shooter”, but I’m guessing, not anymore…
John C. from Washington: introduced himself by proposing with a cubic zirconium ring, yet didn’t actually give her the ring
Kirk from Wisconsin: gave Ali a cloth rose that he folded in front of her, gave Ali a scrapbook of himself
Jesse from Missouri: gave Ali a wooden heart, referred to himself as a “peculiar man”- his hometown is Peculiar, Missouri
Chris N. from Florida: gave Ali some sort of “magic rose”
Tyler M. from Texas: wore cowboy boots out of the limo, thinking Ali did the same, though she didn’t- though Jillian Harris sometimes wore them (maybe that’s who he was thinking of)
Hunter from Texas: had to pee from the long limo ride
Derrick from Michigan: threw leaves up in the air for Ali for her to catch
Jason from Colorado: did a back flip off the limo, then told Ali, “don’t worry about that”
Predictions of who will “win”, if anyone:
My wife- Frank
Our mutual runner-up: Chris L. from Cape Cod, Massachusetts